pain.

I don’t want to fall in love again. That’s the thought that came to my mind after I had felt this pain, twice in a row. The same pain in 12 months. The indescribable pain I felt right now. The pain that pierced through my chest, my heart, my mind. The pain that should be curable, but seems incurable as I can’t find the cure which I know what it is. As for now, I wait, time will heal. As time goes by, I’ll try to avoid the source of my pain. Try to diminish all the interaction, all the looks at her face, her behavior, her scent…

Time will cure, yes, but how long? As I waiting, I have to endure the pain. It’s so difficult that I want to pierce my hand with big needle. My histrionic side keep haunted me, persuade me to tell everyone, especially her that I’m in pain, big time. Ok, I need catharsis, but only this, and by share it with some friends, that’s all. Actually, I don’t know how’ll I endure this pain. Last time, it was fast enough to heal from the pain. But, it was like escape from tiger mouth and got trapped in crocodile mouth. Fuck that, I want to be free this time.

The pain’ll cure, I know it. But, the trauma will arise. After this, I don’t want to feel this kind of pain again. I don’t want to close with anyone again. The momment I feel that I like someone, I’ll avoid that person. This’ll be so hard to do, as I know that I have big needs of affection. The needs of affection that haven’t been satisfied since I was a kid. I kind of give it up, I’ll never satisfy that needs from a person. I’ll use all my defense I could use to repress those needs. I don’t give a shit if it’s not healthy, that is the only way I know to regulate it. I’ll love myself more, I’ll gain happiness from myself more.

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